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America, Eff Yeah!

rfhg;o;oae[0qq[t3cj]xf <———That is me banging my head against the keyboard. Why? Because nary an hour after The Greatest News Of All Time, a.k.a. the death of Osama Bin Laden, I had to hear about how my President is covering something up because CNN reported Bin Laden was buried at sea.

First of all, let me just say we would have freaking SAINTED President Bush had he been the one in charge when our elite teams finally got a hold of Bin Laden. But since it’s our Muslim Kenya President who is in charge right now, there must be something nefarious going on, amirite?! No, I am not right. That is ridiculous.

Me, last night mere hours after being all like:

And this:

This photo was taken secretly by my web camera the moment that grey haired dude interrupted Wolf Blitzer to steal the President's thunder and tell us Osama was dead.

Secondly, can i just say so what if Osama was dumped at sea (because the word ‘burial’ doesn’t sound right; it sounds dignified and I doubt we were playing mourning tunes and grieving when we tossed him over the side). Would it have been better to drag him through the streets of every major city in America so my President could prove he was actually dead? Maybe it sounds like a good idea, and I really kinda woulda been for it, especially those few months after 9/11, but truth is it’s rather barbaric and we’re supposed to be better than that. We all know that’s no true; we’re just as fucked up as anyone else, but we’re supposed to be the moral, awesome people and sometimes we really just have to be the moral, awesome people.

Thirdly, so what if he wanted to dispose of the body as quickly as possible. We are never going to know exactly how we killed Osama, and we don’t need to know. The President is covered under National Security and really just might be keeping our best interests at heart. Who knows what happened at that mansion outside Islamabad. We’ll get some scrubbed down story, that’s a given, but the particulars are a National Secret and really, none of us need to know. So get over it. And really, where were all over you suddenly righteous folks when President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? When he was sending detainees to Cuba? When he was secretly tapping your phones? When he was making stupid analogies? Every President has his secrets. Have you never seen National Treasure? And stop filling my Facebook feed with conspiracy theories. GAH!!! I need better Facebook friends.

And lastly, really?! C’mon. Last night was a night that will last forever in the history books. A terrorist is dead. A mass murderer is dead. A man who was responsible for the worst tragedy on American soil is dead. This is a huge blow to Al-Qaeda and the beginning of the end for our troops overseas. Let us just bask in the National pride I’m sure we all felt when CNN panned to the growing group of Americans crowding outside the White House (and freaking out the Secret Service) who spent the night chanting “USA USA (un-ironically…unlike I usually do)” and singing our Nation’s anthem at the top of their lungs. I haven’t had pride for my people like that in years. In fact, not since people banded together after 9/11 to help their fallen countrymen. That’s the America I love. That’s the America that makes us the greatest country in the world. I’m proud of that America. I want to live in that America. I wouldn’t have to say I’m Canadian when I’m abroad if that’s the America in which I lived. So, no matter your feelings about our President of the United States (you are entitled to them, that’s what makes America awesome and it’s not like I didn’t compare President Bush to a monkey for eight years…sorry monkeys), can we just support him as a country, just this once?

Anyway, poor President Obama. He’s damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. I just hope smart people turn out in droves in 2012 to get him re-elected. I have faith another four years will cause the President to put a boot into the Democrats and Republicans’ asses so this country can get right back on track. That said, I will leave you with his next campaign poster (or rather, the picture I’m going to hang from my house, no matter where I roam)

And our new national anthem

P.S. I really do love some of my Facebook friends. I just wish you all weren’t so damn Republican all the time.

P.P.S. I was really hoping last night the President’s speech was just going to be him grabbing the mic, saying “That’s right, Osama’s dead, bitches. America, fuck yeah”, drop the mic, then walk away. That would have been mine. He’s much more dignified than I.

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2011 in Birthers, Friends, Oh Happy Day

 

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The Countdown Continues

It’s officially 4 months until my move Down Undaa (written as it is intended to be pronounced).

False. I have it on good authority it actually does.

In case I haven’t mentioned this enough, I’m super excited. But I’ve been thinking about what to do when my year is up. I know it’s a bit premature, but it’s my nature. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to come back to the States. I’m pretty sure my purpose in life is to travel the world. So I’ve been searching the interwebs and came across this site. I’ve got a ton of tips; all I need is the green.

Why is this not a real thing?

It’s really too bad independently wealthy heiress is not an actual job position or else I’d apply. Still, if other countries offer the same awesome visa Australia does (where I get to work and vacay during my stay), I might be in like Flynn.

The thought of having no ties to anyone or anything, being responsible for no one but myself and seeing every corner of this globe is seriously romantic and intriguing. And travelling is the only thing I’ve wanted to do with my life. I remember being just a wee lass and wishing we could just drive to the edge of the country and see everything there is to see. Just seeing the word “west” on the freeway would send me into a tizzy and I would beg my mom to keep driving because I wanted to explore. Unfortunately, that never happened and I pretty much looked like a little Royal flower girl when we pulled into our Douglas Road abode.

after every car ride. Minus the cutesy Royal couple.

Of course, this is all really sixteen months away. And I don’t want to have to spend any time thinking about what will happen after my visa expires because I need all my attention to focus on the awesome continent of Australia, filled with hot mens and a truly fantastic friend who has promised all Australian men are Russell Crowe circa L.A. Confidential/Gladiator. 

Sexiest LA cop eva.

Sexiest gladiator who ever....gladiated.

Plus, I found the following on the internet, and we all know the internet doesn’t lie.

Ah…Buddha bless rose colored glasses.

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2011 in Chimera, Land Down Under

 

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The Most Important Day Of Our Lives

So, it has happened. The gorgeous Catherine Middleton a.k.a. Duchess of Cambridge, a.k.a. Princess Shinylocks, has been wed to the not so gorgeous (anymore) Prince William of Wales, a.k.a. William Arthur Phillips Louis from the House of Windsor, a.k.a. Earl of Strathearn, a.k.a. Baron Carrickfergus, a.k.a. Duke of Cambridge, a.k.a. Prince Toothsome. The Duchess looked insanely fabulous in her wedding gown, styled by Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen (OMG!! McQueen!) and the Duke looked extremely handsome in his Irish Guards uniform. Not nearly as handsome as Prince Harry of Wales, my new husband, whom I share with Sharon Graham, a.k.a. Lady Liz. It was part of a peace treaty, brought upon by a hostile coup, but we put aside our differences so that we may band together to fight the forces of one Chelsy Davy. Who the hell spells their name ‘Chelsy’ anyway?

You better step, Chelsy Davy!

Anyways, I am so disappointed I had to work this morning, for I was not available to watch The Most Important Social Event Of Our Time, instead I had to resign to updates on BBC and CNN. And I’m not ashamed to say all this wedding fever has made me wish I could move to the UK quicker than I truly can afford to. I’m also not ashamed I’ve geeked out over all this Royal knowledge I keep stored in my tiny woman brain. I’ve been informing everyone who will listen about the history of the Royal Family and how awesome they are and how great England is and how fabulous history can be. I’m sure they’re getting plenty annoyed. But do I care? No! Because “SQUEE!!!!!” Royal Wedding!!!!!!

Prince Harry!!!! Super handsomeAdorable

 

Joders

Your blog has been protected from me. I am sad 😦

Anners, you still have that writer brain. Fact.

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Mr. President, This Issue Was Beneath You And The Dignity Of The Office Which You Hold

That said, hahahahahahahahaha!!! Birth certificate!!! That proves he was born in Uhmerrica, land of the free and home of the ignorant.

Also, because I cannot deal with this moronic question anymore, I’m just gonna laaaay it all out there, Yes, Hawaii became a state in 1950. President Obama was born in Hawaii. He was also born in 1961.

Hawaii. Beautiful state. Accepted into the union in 1950

Baby Barack Obama. Adorable child. Gorgeous mother. Admitted into the union in 1961.

1961-1950= 11. That’s how many years Hawaii had been a state before the arrival of our future President.

Yay for math!

So, the smart comebacks I hear when I begrudgingly sigh and fall into the heated questioning from angry birthers and/or truly clueless people about “Well, the President (wait, no not ‘President’. He is never referred to as such. It is always Obama. Like they served in the military together or grew up playing basketball with him or something) was born before Hawaii became a state. Explain how he’s an American citizen if he was born in a place that hadn’t become a state yet!” will hopefully disappear when they read the actual birth certificate. Hopefully, but probably not. It’s not that hard to Google, for crying out loud! You’ll find it on Wikipedia, all-knowing website of the gods! Just, for the love of all that is holy and the continuation of our country as the greatest on Earth, educate yourselves. Please. You don’t have to agree with me, just educate yourself. It’s free and totally rewarding.

But before I go, I would like someone to explain to me why Thomas Jefferson, Third President of the United States, born to an English mother; Andrew Jackson, Seventh President of the United States, born to two Irish parents; James Buchanan, Fifteenth President of the United States, born to an Irish father; Chester A Arthur, Twenty-First President of the United States, born to an Irish father; Woodrow Wilson, Twenty-Eighth President (and Mrs. Edna Krappable’s love interest), born to an English mother; and Herbert Hoover, Thirty-First President of the United States, born to a Canadian (GASP!) mother, did not have to show an entire country their birth certificates? I demand satisfaction! or, because I have understanding of the Fourteenth Amendment, I do not, because I am not an idiot.

All I got to say is, America, I think we need a break. No, no, don’t try to argue. I would say that whole cheesy line about how it’s not you, it’s me crap, but I don’t want to lie to you. Mainly because you can handle the truth. It’s you, not me. We need a time out…some time apart so I can re-evaluate this whole relationship thing we have going on here. It’s been an interesting 30 years, but I think it’s time we see other people, which is why I’m going to be seeing Australia from now on. Don’t get jealous, it’s not flattering. Plus, they have an invite to the Royal Wedding, a.k.a. The Most Important Social Event Of Our Time and you don’t. So…yeah….don’t text me anymore.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

 
 

Cher For President Of The World

Hallo! I trust you all had a fine and enjoyable Zombie Jesus Day a.k.a. Easter Sunday. All has been going well around here. So far. I’m just sitting around, patiently waiting for my awesome road trip with Kiki

Us. Only not men.

and waiting for my hella long, but totally worth it flight to Australia. By the way, Jodie, what the hell does Head to the Footy mean? Some Australian military website promised me I could do such a thing.

Ha! I'm kidding. Sort of.

So there is actually a whole reason I’m posting this post. You see there is a boy. That I sort of fancy. Well, man actually, otherwise that would be pedophilia. And disturbing.

And this man I happen to be dreaming about nearly every night. When I’m not dreaming about my army of zombie killing dinosaurs or zombies breaking into my house. Or Agent Fox Mulder.

This effing killed me when the episode first aired

Where was I? Ah, yes, the man. You see, I have a real problem with my dreams bothering me and forcing me to wake up confused and depressed. Like last night’s where I dreamed we were cuddling on something but he wouldn’t kiss me because he said he likes me but he can’t like me. And I was all

and then I woke up. Seriously, WTF?

Anyway, I do seriously fancy this bloke, but I shouldn’t because I wish to be the female George Clooney, not attached to anyone for long, dating only the most beautiful of men, guest starring on Roseanne, stealing money from casinos with Matt Damon…mmm Matt Damon, who I will no longer fancy because he is no longer Jason Mothereffing Bourne. Some other bland white dude from that one movie who might have dated JSimp and is quite possibly really gay IRL. That’s bullshit.

You know what else is bullshit? Me liking this dude. I mean, I’m moving to a whole ‘nother country in a few months, one that isn’t even connected to the US, nor is it easily reachable without some cash to pony up for a hell expensive plane ticket. Or a boat. So all of this has effectively turned me into this

Lonely Jen Aniston

when I’m supposed to be like this

This year's Halloween costume. Taken from my own closet. 'Cause I'm ballin'

Now, will I ever tell this dude how I feel about him, you ask? The answer is no. Because, deep down, beneath my wisecracking, sarcastic surface is a terrified little girl who grew up being told she was never good enough, so she still believes she’ll never be good enough. This is why I am such an asshole sometimes, and am not able to converse without dropping a few sarcastic remarks in there, in case you all were wondering. Thanks, Life!

Now, right about now, this is probably you

And you’re gonna tell me how awesome I am. I know I’m awesome. I can play the cello. I took two foreign languages in high school while most people couldn’t even pass English (to be fair, though, English sucks). I got a book published (for like two seconds). I have achieved all sorts of neat shit. People find me funny. People like me and always have (I have no idea why because I wouldn’t be my friend. I’m a jerk). You guys are fantabulous. But me knowing I’m awesome doesn’t change how I feel or the fact I’m not going to ask this dude out. No matter how into him I am.

Alas, this will never be us.

So, instead I will bitch about it on a blog. Because that’s the American way!

The history nerd in me adores this picture

By the way, all these pictures I add to my posts are a good representation of what goes on inside my brain at any given moment of the day. This is another reason why I am awesome.

So this concludes my bitching and moaning. Before I leave, I would like to share the news Greatest Actress In The World And French Person, Eva Green is in a new show called “Camelot”, which is pretty meh in itself, but brought to the level of Greatest Show On Earth (move the fuck over P.T. Barnum) because Eva Green, Superstar, is in it. ALSO!!!! Miss, Kiki a.k.a. Senorita Hobag the Third (I found an old email to you that was addressed as such…ah MEMORIES), Mr. James Purefoy, a.k.a. Hot Marcus Antonius in it for like two episodes, being all around sexy until he’s knocked off. Boo, hiss!

Best bitchface in the biz

This show totally reaffirms my belief we need to bring crowns back. I would wear the fuck out of a crown. When I am married to Prince Hot Ginge, I will wear a crown everywhere. To the mall. To get my car fixed. To Wal-Mart. Everywhere.

Anyway, I leave you with a video and song that was brought to the forefront of my consciousness thanks to the awesomeness that is Michael K. It also explains the title of this post…sort of.

 
 

This Is Seriously More Exciting Than The Post Below

DUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shannon, she who is awesome, is in a piece for the BBC!!!!!!!!!!!!! They asked for a review of the new Sweet Valley book and she obliged!

Congrats to you, Shannon!!!!!!! Super exciting. And I can brag about you to all the people I know.

P.S. You can read the review on her blog here

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 18, 2011 in Friends