Category Archives: Battle of the Bulge

Battle of the Bulge

Hello, how have you loverly people been? First off, I would like to share the most active search phrases that bring people to this blog with like 4 posts on it: “Who’s awesome, your awesome”, “Joseph Fiennes overacts”, and “Prince Harry’s bulge”. I would like to blast the first phrase because it is ‘you’re’ not ‘your’, okay. Basic little shit like that bothers the hell out of me. But thank you for thinking I am awesome, because I am. The second search phrase is spot on and whichever genius types that into Google search or Bing (ha, no one uses Bing except my punk ass self at work because the US government must have a contract with Microsoft or something since MSN is always the homepage and whenever I try to change it, the stupid computer loses my profile and I have to start all over again. With Bing. Bloody bastards). Joseph Fiennes (remember, about whom we were speaking) does overact. It’s unbearable. And he has no lips. Why does he not have any lips?! And finally, the third search phrase. Miss Sharon World is obviously the one who continues to type such a phrase into the Google search bar. Hate to break it to her,but that bulge is all mine. By the by, this is the first image to come up when you type in “Prince Harry’s bulge”

Clicking on this pic sadly does not redirect to Dlisted. That leads me to believe Michael K is slacking.

Moving on.

For those of you keeping track, I have just a little over 81 days and seven hours until my move to Australia. And starting Friday, 17 June, I start my 40 day diet to supplement my 20 mile weekly walks and help me get back down to my svelte, gorgeous self (’cause that certainly ain’t me now). I imagine on day three of said diet, this will be me:

I say day three because on day one and two, I get to eat whatever my little heart desires. And I plan on eating whatever my little heart desires until my little heart and oversized tummy scream for mercy. Day three and beyond is going to be tough. I delightfully refer to this diet as my “murder diet”, because I have a feeling somewhere around the halfway point of no good food (and no alcohol), I will be murdering some people. Keep an eye out for me on the 6 o’clock news, y’all!

In all seriousness, I am pretty excited. I’ve looked at decade old pictures and am amazed at just how badly I’ve let myself go. I like to blame the hell that is work and Western Washington, but it’s really all my fault. And I’m pretty determined to get myself back on track. Even if it means killing a few people during hunger blackouts along the way.

Walking twenty miles a week really helps. I don’t have that time to sit at home and get bored, which leads me to eat delicious food and drink delicious drinks. My social life is probably going to start to suffer, but I’ll get over it, crying softly in my bed as I dream of delicious cookies and cake and ice cream and hamburgers.

Anyway, Australia is 81 days away!!! I’m so eager to get going; you can’t even imagine. I’ll be able to do this every day!

And dating men who look like this:

Ah, Rusty, where did it all go wrong? You should go on this diet with me. Looking at newer pics of you only drive me to tears.

Now, thinking about the hot Aussie menfolk has brought me to this thought. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear how asshole-ish Aussie menfolk are to their wimmenfolk. If that’s true, some Aussie menfolk might get punched in the froat. I mean, as long as I get mine, there might be no froat punching, but if some manfolk thinks he can treat anyone like the crap on the bottom of his shoe, there will be blood.

This is me. You don't want to f-bomb with me.

So I forgot exactly where I was going with this because I did another check of search terms that happen to lead people here, and there’s one interesting one, waaaaaay down at the bottom, and it really just kinda sidetracked me. What is that, you ask? Well, it’s “bulge police”. Who the f-bomb is typing in “bulge police”? Maybe they mean “Bulgarian police”. Or “Bluth Police” (maybe they’re an ‘Arrested Development’ fan and they wanna see Michael Bluth in uniform?). So I decide to do some research, as a good internet user, and search for “bulge police”. Just so I can see exactly what this person might have been looking for. And this is what comes up:

Which, in turns, leads you to a blog post about Anthony Weiner (the most unfortunately named politician who has ever been embroiled in a dick pic scandal).

So, there you have it. That’s all you’re gonna get out of this post. A cavalcade of bulge pics and nonsensical utterings. Now, if i disappear, you all know what has happened. Don’t forget to send bail money.